Confessions of a Bondi Blonde

I went to the zoo yesterday and the animals were amazing.

But I didn’t visit Taronga Zoo or Sydney Wildlife World. I went to Queen Street, Woollahra and had the pleasure of seeing exotic breeds of humanity strolling carefree in their own, highly evolved environment.

First I saw the rare spotted celebrity. The recent full moon must have signalled the beginning of the migration season from the television stations to Fox Studios. Jessica Rowe was nervously sipping a latte at the local watering hole while across the road, busy with BMW 4-wheel drives, Naomi Robson was reading the Confidential Section of The Daily Telegraph, protected by the shade of a large tree. Two Kidman’s gazed at their reflections in the local real-estate windows, seemingly as in awe of their image as the rest of us. Alas it only the lesser-spotted celebrity Kidmans – Antonia and Janelle. The recent successful breeding programme of the highly prized Urban-Kidman’s had resulted in them staying holed up in Darling Point, bonding with their newborn.

Some film types were chattering away behind me like monkeys. I turned to see if there were any stars in their midst. Yep,Jacqueline Mackenzie was keeping a very high low profile.

Then the small, scattered pack of celebrities lifted their noses and sniffed the breeze. It wasn’t the perfume drifting down the street from the Jo Malone shop which had them aquiver. An alpha male was wandering past Paul Keating’s former home and the B lists could sense his pheromones from a mile away. His plaid shirt was not ironic and for a moment I thought that he was the local Big Issue guy. But he had good shoes. And great eyes. And a South’s Sydney Rabbitohs’ sweater. Oh. Gidday, Russell.

This was in the space of 10 minutes. I was cursing myself for not having a phone with a functioning camera (mine had been drowned beyond repair at Nippers), so I could launch myself in a new career as a street paparazzi.

After the herd of celebrities passed by, probably off to a movie launch or somewhere equally shiny, the street seemed empty and quiet.

But then the less noticeable but still highly bred second wave of rare birds made an appearance. The Woollahra blondes arrived and quickly filled the vacuum with the trill of their mobile phones. Paul Sheehan wrote about these women in The Sydney Morning Herald on 24 March this year. He wrote that “where wealth and power co-exist, blondes are not just overrepresented in our culture, but more overrepresented than ever.” Paul also did some maths and worked out that there are more blondes in Woollahra than in other locales; it’s a blonde meeting place. Celebrities and blondes feel safe here. It’s close to the water, has lovely rest spots and sources of high protein, low calorie nutrition.

Woollahra is like Taronga Zoo for the glossy animals in our midst. And for the cost of a skinny latte you can come and feast your eyes on the passing parade of people just like us – just skinnier and richer.