Confessions of a Bondi Blonde

I’ve heard that there is this great movie on at the moment.

It’s called Tim Tam or something and it’s about the real Australia. You know the one where we ride horses and survive being bombed by the Japanese. Cause I so hate it when you’re out at Westfield and you have to hit the ground when crossing from Target to Coles because you’re being strafed again by enemy fire. So inconvenient.

I heard it cost 200 million dollars to make and there’s this big marketing campaign around it to make visitors really think that Australia is just like in the film. I heard they test marketed it in Japan. Not to worry, I’ll think they’ll just add dubbing and say that we were actually being attacked by North Korea, so come on down your honeymooners and international students from the land of the midnight sun.

Hugh Jackman is so hot. He’s the hero and says Gidday all the time. I reckon that’s what they say in the bush though I wouldn’t know ‘cause I’ve never been there. I had a chance once to go for schoolies week; two weeks travelling through Australia by campervan. I went to Bali instead. Half the price and got massages on the beach everyday. Hugh is meant to be a great guy, fantastic father and an amazing husband. A good cook, apparently too. Not sure about the acting skills, but he did a divine turn as Peter Allen in The Boy from Oz, so maybe there’s a musical number or two in Tim Tam. Gee, that actually makes sense. “Our Baz” Luhrmann is known for his musical ditties, from Strictly Ballroom to Moulin Rouge. Maybe our Hugh and our Nicole have a little sing along by the camp fire. That would be classy. And so believeable, like a cross between Australian Idol and The Farmer Wants a Wife.

Still, I’m a bit confused about our Nic (she used to be Tom’s Nic and an almost American, but we reclaimed her when she hit 40) being in it. Apparently she’s a Brit in Tim Tam. No one would believe that, despite her amazing acting skills (she’s got an Oscar to prove it – remember she played a walking dead woman really convincingly in The Others.) She’s as Aussie as oi, oi, oi.

She’s got more ice on her than Mawson’s Hut, that’s true, but if anyone can stoke her into a slow and steady melt, well it would have to be our Hugh, surely. He’s taller than Keith, a better singer than Keith, and doesn’t hail from Caboolture (famous for cheese) like Keith, which is just three reasons why the film might have some real heat (apart from being set in the Northern Territory).

So I urge you to do your bit to support the economy and spend your $15 on seeing a movie that defines what it means to be Australian, just in case you were wondering.

 

 

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